I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
