you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
