Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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