The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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