You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
