WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
