how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
