i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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