the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
