I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i love accidental penises.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
