I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
