By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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