I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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