He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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