She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
