I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
