I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
