shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
