It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
