wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
