last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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