I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
