I'm going to jail i love you
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
