I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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