Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
