Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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