i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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