in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
