Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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