need another drink. this is the easiest way
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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