actually, I'm a sock model
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
