Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
