I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize