i would punch a child for taco bell
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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