i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
