could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How does one acquire holy water?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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