Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
worst night to have a conscience
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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