You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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