You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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