i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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