I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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