At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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