Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
