Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
