I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize
