he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I would ride that face into the sunset
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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