Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
