I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
