there's paper in my vomit.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
