She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
