I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
