You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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