I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
