i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
