Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize