If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
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