3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize