omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
