i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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