Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
