God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
