I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Randomize
