I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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