Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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