I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think your dad took our porno
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
